You Just Got Bone'd!
by A Clockwork Pumelo
Summary: So yeah, Kimimaro's boredom is getting the better of him so he goes around Boneing everything in sight. Kabuto is first up for boneing. Pure snow white crack. Shows signs of mutating into a series. Rated T for pretty words and vaguely suggestive themes.
1. Boning Kabuto

**You got Boned!**

**By A Clockwork Pumelo**

**With Help From A Huge Box Of Little Oranges**

**So yeah, I'm trying to eat a really huge box of tasty little satsuma oranges before they go bad... So far I'm on number eight today. I'm also curious about one of my friends' assumptions that eating an entire box of oranges renders one permanently allergic to any and all citrus, resulting in headaches, vomiting, and nausea if one consumes even a slice of lemon. Too bad her claim doesn't cut much water with me, seeing as I've fed her things I've prepared using plenty of citrus before and not gotten a peep out of her... seems it's only toxic when she knows she is eating it. Anyways, I intended this to just be a funny, random one shot but it seems to be showing signs of rapid and possibly cancerous growth reminiscent of a chaptered story. So if you want more boning, just give me a holler on the old review page and tell me which one you want to get boned next!**

Kimimaro was... bored. Not just regular old bored, but really, _really_ bored, to the point that anything would keep him entertained, so long as it didn't involve watching the leak in the ceiling drip. After raiding his master's uhm... _video collection_ and watching a few minutes of static-y tentacle porn, he went and threw up a bit before thoroughly demolishing the videocassette with his bones. _How the hell does Orochimaru-sama watch that stuff? I mean, people getting boned up every single orifice? I mean, boned up the nose? Is that even possible? Haha, boned... Hey wait, I wonder what all the others are doing... maybe they can help me stay entertained! _And he was off, skipping/hopping/running down the multitude of narrow hallways that formed the labyrinthine lair. _Hmmm... Whom shall I bone first?_

Luck had it that Kabuto was the first one he bumped into, whistling merrily as he prepared the hideout for its passage into the new year, glasses decorated with mylar trim and strands of it throughout his ponytail.

"Why hello Kimimaro, how are you today? Did you take your antibiotics?" He smiled politely at the Kaguya, glasses flashing in the torch light.

"Umm... no Kabuto-sempai... they taste so bad, I didn't take yesterday's dose either, or the one before-" He was cut off by the loud -WHUMP- sound his body made as it was quickly rocked back onto a gurney and his arms and legs were strapped down tight.

"Kimimaro! You know very damn well that you _HAVE_ to take your antibiotics _every single damn day_ or they won't do you any damn good, because the bacteria develop resistance! Did Tayuya give you another concussion with her oboe again!??!?!? Or are you just stupid??!!?!" Kimimaro wondered where the hell Kabuto had conjured up the gurney from as the bespectacled ninja wheeled the thing down the halls at a clearly unsafe speed towards the ICU.

"Umm... Kabuto-sempai? It's a flute..." But Kabuto was not listening. He was sweating and babbling about bacteria as he sprinted down the halls pushing Kimimaro on his gurney.

When he finally burst through the door to the medical facilities, Kimimaro noticed Jiroubo, stomach distended and laying in a cot that had piles of stone blocks supporting it, seeing as the legs had long since broken. _Ahh, my next victim_, he thought as he was dumped into a hospital bed and roughly rolled over. He could hear Kabuto on the intercom speaking frantically with Orochimaru and looking ever more afraid for his life. When he put the receiver down, he wiped the sweat from his brow.

"Kimimaro-baka! WHY HAVE YOU NOT BEEN TAKING YOUR ANTIBIOTICS?!?!? Don't you know that if these bacteria in your lungs develop resistance, you are totally screwed???? And if you're totally screwed, that means that I AM ALSO TOTALLY SCREWED?!!?!?!?" _This guy needs a tic-tac or something, 'cause his breath stinks... _Kimimaro thought as his white hair settled back around his face after the medical ninja's shouting directly into his face.

"Well, you see Kabuto, I actually did take my medicine, even though it tastes like Orochimaru's cologne." A vein pulsed in Kabuto's temple and he restrained himself from punching the prodigy in his pale, smug little face.

"Oh, and Kabuto," he extended a finger bone to lightly tap the medical ninja's forehead, "You're not screwed, you're boned!" And then Kimimaro ran for his life, laughter trailing behind him as he went to find his next boning victim.


	2. Boning TayTaychan!

**You Just Got Boned!**

**Chapter 2**

**By a Clockwork Pumelo**

**I was going to have him bone Jiroubo next, but I decided to save the next chapter for both Kidoumaru and Jiroubo, and bone Tayuya first because really, she deserves her own chapter. And yes, I did just carry over Kimimaro's calling Tayuya 'Tay-Tay' and 'dumb cooze' from my other story "A Normal Day". I always kind of thought of him as a bit of a misogynist prick with no social skills... and who can blame him? I mean, he spent the first half of his life cooped up in a freaking cage, and the rest of it trying to prove his worth to Orochimaru. But yeah, back on topic, I don't own any of the characters, blah blah blah, just enjoy the chapter!  
**

After he had outrun Kabuto (with a little help from lengthened leg bones), Kimimaro wandered the hideout searching for someone else to play pranks on. A most awful noise, somewhere between a meat grinder and a chainsaw met his ears as the green-eyed rascal passed the open door to the hideout's kitchen. _Ahh, Jiroubo, my gluttonous, thoroughly disgusting ally... _he turned to peer through the door, and kept right on turning. _Ugh... that's gross..._ He wished he hadn't taken a peek into the kitchen and seen the sloppy mass of food revolving in the giant man's mouth, or the many colored spills down the front of his shirt. _Maybe he will watch what he eats more carefully if I add a little something to it, but that comes later when he's whining at Orochimaru-sama to go buy more food. For now, I will find someone else not quite so slovenly to entertain me. _With that he strode down the hallway to Tayuya's room.

"Tay-Tay-chan? You in there?" He waited for the usual response.

"DON'T YOU DARE CALL ME TAY-TAY-CHAN, DICKWAD!!!" The Kaguya grinned, green eyes dancing.

"But Tay-Tay-chan, I have a present for you." He waited at the door, pulling out the protrusion of bone from his left forearm with his right hand, concentrating on the density, details, and shape of the bone, sculpting it into a long, thin cylinder.

"Oh, but Tay-Tay-chan, I know you'll like this." He stopped pulling the bone out of his arm and broke it off cleanly, smoothing the few splinters that remained before playing a few notes on the slender flute. Behind the door, Tayuya heard the soft, fine quality of the instrument and smiled. She never knew the green-eyed monster actually knew how to play a fine musical instrument! Cracking open the door, she let him in.

"Nice piccolo, is it for me?" He nodded, handing her the flute. She made a big show of wiping the end off and played a quick trill. It was amazing, and the tone was soft and sweet as honey.

"I see you like blowing on my bone Tay-Tay-chan," He gave her his best s***-eating grin as she glared at him, fingers flying into an angry staccato, "I don't suppose you might want to try the higher register? I'll leave you to your practicing, you seem to really be enjoying putting that in your mouth." He dodged the swipe she took at him with the ivory flute.

"Does your stupid albino mouth ever shut up?!?" She put the flute back in position and began an ascending scale.

"No, do you ever stop trying to put phallic-shaped things in your gingery little mouth?" She reached the highest note, an earsplitting pitch that resonated off the cold stone walls as the flute cracked and shattered.

"You b****! You made it do that!" The red headed sound ninja reached for a heavy, black flute that lay on her bedside table as Kimimaro made for the door.

"Haha, that's what you get for trying to play my bone flute Tayuya-chan!" He ducked the kunai that were thrown his way and slammed the door behind himself.

"Consider yourself boned, and boned proper, you dumb cooze!" He shouted at her through the door before turning on his heel and running at full speed in the opposite direction. The maniacal laughter cascaded down the hallway, keeping pace with the flying Kaguya.

**So, who next? Will it be Sakon and Ukon, or Jiroubo? Maybe Kidoumaru and all of his bugs? Or even (gasp) Orochimaru??? I'm open to suggestions, so review and tell me... You'll get an imaginary cookie with sprinkles on top!**


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